Friday, 25 January 2019
Belo Horizonte, Brasil
Before you start reading today’s blog, just have a look on Google Maps and find the Uruguayan capital, Montevideo, and a city in Brasil called Belo Horizonte. Go on. Just have a look at the distance. A little spur off the route for two days.
To see Miss Brasil.
Having checked in at Montevideo airport using the automated machines, pass through security and am miffed that my nail scissors are confiscated. Not any old nail scissors. These are £18 nail scissors. Quite possibly the most expensive nail scissors ever. Bought in desperation a few days ago in Jose Ignacio. Even the shop assistant agreed they were bloody expensive. Security are not to be argued with. They have guns. This is proper security.
Sitting peacefully awaiting flight airside. Alarmed to hear my name being broadcast on the tannoy. Oh flip. Now what. Investigate. Ah. Relief. It’s only a passport check as I’d checked in remotely. Phew.
Have two flights today. Montevideo to Sao Paulo. Short connection. Then Sao Paulo to Belo Horizonte. 2hr flight + 1hr connection + 1hr flight + 1hr drive.
A travel day.
What could possibly go wrong.
Starts great. Bag allowed on. Business class seat. Fed and watered. Lovely jubbly.
Approach Sao Paulo and descend. Turbulent. Thunderstorms. Cabin lights have been dimmed for descent and landing. All of a sudden, the entire cabin is lit up like a strobe light has just gone off.
Lightning. Quickly followed by loud thunder. Turbulent. Aircraft is being properly tossed about. Jolly good.
Land on time Sao Paulo Guarulhos. It’s chucking it down with rain. Really, really chucking it down. Have 1hr to get to boarding gate for domestic departure to Belo Horizonte. An air bridge would be what is required right now to speed things up.
But.
No.
It’s a bus. It’s the slowest bus driver ever. Guarulhos airport is big. Very big. We pretty much drive from one end to the other. Decant bus in International Arrivals.
Come on hurry up. I have a tight connection. Don’t dawdle. Move that child out of the way. And as for that person on crutches.
Don’t do dawdling.
Need to get to Domestic Departures. But first. Of course. Passport control. Sod it. There’s a queue. Load of Ethiopians. Yeah. It surprises me too. Ethiopian Airways is in town. Join queue. Static for 5mins. Sod it. Only two passport control kiosks open. Of all the sodding times. Not now. Assess that it’s going to take at least an hour to process all these Ethiopians, given the passport queue at Montevideo which had four kiosks open.
Executive decision. Queue jump. The easiest queue to jump in front of is the flight crew queue. Full of Ethiopian Airways crew. Ask if it’s OK to jump to the front. Of course it is, you go ahead, no problem. Always liked Ethiopians.
Greeted by a Goth. She’s an immigration officer. Blimey. Long black hair. Black nail varnish. Black lipstick. Black clothes. Skull rings. And a necklace which says ‘The Cure’ (a 1980s pop group for those over 50). The only thing to suggest she’s an immigration officer is the badge around her neck. Little Miss Charismatic and Charming she is not. But she stamps my passport pronto and off I scoot.
Too old for this scooting about. Got to get to domestic departures. Guess what. It’s at the other end of the airport. It would. Wouldn’t it. Tonight. Of all nights. And of course. On a different level to Arrivals.
First flew in to Guarulhos 20 years ago on business. It’s a grotty airport. Dark austere concrete structure and poorly lit. Grim. It’s not changed much since I last came. Think really old concrete framed underground car park.
Very busy. It’s like a scene from a disaster relief appeal. People and luggage everywhere. Long queues everywhere. Sod it. It is Friday night I suppose and it is their summer holiday season so I shouldn’t be too surprised. Arrive in the domestic check in area. I say area. What I mean is the first of four domestic check in areas. Sod it. Don’t need to actually check in as have boarding pass already. What I need to know is where to find the security to go airside.
Look at the screens.
Realise why it’s a disaster relief zone. The torrential rain and electrical storms have caused all flights to be delayed or cancelled.
Sod it. Then realise why there are so many buckets are lying about with cleaners mopping up. The building is leaking. There’s a lot of leaks. I’m in area D of Domestic Terminal 2. No display boards are showing which terminal my flight is going from imminently as they’re all showing the delayed and cancelled flights still. My boarding is due to start in about 15mins. And still have security to contend with. See a sign that suggests my airline is area B. Scurry off. It’s a big airport. It’s a few hundred metres between areas. Off we go. Minding the masses of people trying to get information on their delayed flight. Arrive area B thinking there might be information on my flight. There isn’t. Find an airline rep. Told I should be in area C. Where I’ve just come from.
Off I scurry.
Did I mention the heat and humidity? There’s a hot and sweaty TT tootling about, I can tell you.
Return to area C. Losing weight by the minute. Can feel the kilos dropping off. Who needs a gym. Just go travelling. Area C has no information either. Find another airline rep.
She tells me I need to be in area B.
You. Are. Having. A Laugh.
Show her my boarding pass and explain I just need to know which gate and terminal I need to be in.
Because.
My flight is boarding imminently.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
Ah. She says. You need Terminal 2. Thank you. That’s what I needed to know.
Scurry off. Security is not far away thankfully. And only a handful of people in the queue. It’s looking good. I should make boarding which is minutes away. Stressy.
Zoom through security.
Now. Which gate. Check screens. Flight not showing still as screens are full of delayed and cancelled flights. Sod it. Check various websites which might help. Nope. They all say flight is on time and gate TBA.
Hmmm.
What to do.
Sit tight. And wait.
And wait.
The 1740hrs flight to Belo Horizonte is delayed to 2000hrs. Hmmm. See if I can get transferred on to that as I’m fearful my flight will be cancelled. There’s no one about to deal with though.
Sit. And wait.
Scoff two cheese cobs I’d made up at breakfast. Touring Taurean’s rule of travel: always have snacks on you for such eventualities.
So. There I am. Hot and sweaty. Scoffing dry bread and curled cheese for my dinner. I know how to live.
Ah ha.
Screens display my flight. Gate identified which is downstairs. Which means a bus. Screens show go to the boarding area as boarding very soon.
Scurry off. Through the throng of people. Flight departure scheduled for 2050hrs. Now 2015hrs. There are signs of activity at boarding gate. Signs and queueing system being dealt with. It’s a hive of activity. This is looking promising. At least flight isn’t cancelled. Buses arrive. Doors are opened. Very promising indeed.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
Ask some locals what’s happening. Told the aircraft is here and they’ll be boarding soon.
Great.
Buses leave. Empty.
Doors are shut.
Hmmm.
Now 2055hrs.
Well, OK. Positives. We have an aircraft. Negatives. We’ll be delayed half an hour or so.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
2100hrs. Buses return. Doors open. Another false start?
No.
Actually start boarding. On the bus. Drive to aircraft. Sitting on aircraft at 2115hrs. Text Miss Brasil. She has a one hour drive to airport to pick me up so decides to leave now in case of traffic. Second bus will only be another 10-15mins.
Won’t it.
Then we’ll have 10-15mins taxi.
Therefore.
About 30mins delay.
Some of that will be built into schedule.
So. Possibly landing 20mins late?
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
Sit and wait for second bus.
And.
Sit and wait.
And.
Sit and wait.
For. One. More. Hour.
Even the flight crew are getting fed up. One of our buses is missing. Now 2215hrs.
Second bus eventually arrives. Just over an hour since first bus boarded aircraft. No idea why it took so long.
Great. All on board.
Let’s boogie.
Except.
Some passengers have failed to board.
But their bags are in the hold.
Oh FFS.
Another twenty sodding minutes.
Tired. Grumpy. Hot. Sweaty. Thirsty. Hungry.
Oh yes, dear reader, I’m a model of calm and relaxed.
Bags found.
Paperwork signed. Off we go. Push back 2235hrs. 1hr 45mins delay.
Under 1hr flight to Belo Horizonte. Land 2325hrs. But nearer 2340hrs by the time we’ve faffed and disembarked.
Miss Brasil has been patiently waiting. Another 1hr drive home.
We’ve not seen each other for 18 years.
